" How can emptiness be so heavy? "



i dont understand


(via penis-hilton)

I’ve never been this fucking close to giving up in my life. This terrifies me.
My Boyfriend and I Are On The Rocks

I’ve been about 7 months since him and I have been together. Almost a year since him and I started to like each other.

We’re on the rocks because of fighting. Lots of fighting. Lots of attacking.

It’s not like typical couple fights. It’s because of my past of domestic violence and sexual abuse. I am so emotionally broken by my past I do not trust my love 100% and I use everything as a defense mechanism.

"What does he mean by that?" "Is he saying that just to hurt me?" "He just wants me to suffer" "He doesn’t care about me" "He hates me"

And with those thoughts, I attack him.

We haven’t fought in over a week. I asked my therapist for an opinion if we don’t talk until 6pm (because we typically talk to each other 24/7) so we don’t fight as easily and it gives us time to miss each other.

When it comes to me, I have had a lot of me time and have begun to work on mentally healing my wounds.

But just the way this week has been pertaining us - I’m a little uneasy.

I love him. I’m so in love with him. I fear I have driven him away and he’s staying just for the sake that I have recovered so much and he doesn’t want to see me fall back into my old ways.

I understand why he is distant. I do. I just can’t help but blame myself for what happened to me If none of the abuse ever happened. We would be happy together and we wouldn’t have these troubles. I blame myself. I ask myself sometimes “what is wrong with me?”.

He has saved me. In more than one way. I an indebted to him with my life because he has shown me what true love is and true respect. I will never forget him.

I just pray (and I don’t pray) that we work out. That he has the patience to see that I am fighting for my recovery. I pray that the these conflicts stop.

He is my hero. He is a part of me. He is the love of my life. I’ve was single 2 years before him, because I was waiting for the right person after all of the abuse. And he has been the perfect partner to be with me after all of that. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect man.

I just wish I was wayyy more recovered before he met me.

If we don’t work out, I will never forget the love he poured onto me. I just hope so very much that he will wait to see that we could be and are great together when I’m at a peace of mind. And I hope he sees that I am coming to peace within myself.

Brian, if you’re reading this. I love you so dearly.

" Going down on a girl you care for is like drinking your favorite juice from your favorite cup. "